Advice for life – lessons from The Standard

Since I moved to Jamestown five years ago we have been treated to weekly advice on how to live.  I present below what I have learned.

(Please forgive me if the words below are not exactly accurate. I heard them through earplugs, with my head beneath the duvet, in a room with all the doors and windows tightly shut and the thick curtains drawn, so some slight inaccuracy is possible.)

·       You can’t turn back from the crossroads of life
If I ever locate them I’ll check, just to be sure

·       Sometimes you’ve got to fight to be a man
quite a surprise, that one. I’ve managed OK for the last 40+ years.

·         It’s hard when you’re just seven to know matters of the heart
It doesn’t get any easier when you’re 37 either, I can assure you

·         Apparently I will never walk alone
which is good to hear

·         Some people like to be beside the seaside
I do too

·         Don’t mess with anybody’s Toot Toot
If I knew what one was I’d be certain not to mess with it

·         I now know how to break a cowgirl’s heart
Should I ever need to the information will be useful, no doubt

·         Caroline is sweet
Nice to know, just in case....

·         Someone with a high, quavering voice will always love me
Caroline, perhaps?

·         You can cross the Mersey on a ferry
surely the tunnel is quicker?

·         It’s a long way to Tipperary
About 5,000 miles as the crow flies. Further via Johannesburg, London Heathrow, Dublin, etc..

·         Saturday night is an OK time to fight
To be a man, presumably

·         Money is funny
but, apparently, only in a rich man’s world

·         I know about Fulsome Prison
I’m pretty sure I don’t want to visit, but if I did I might apparently find Jesus sitting on the floor

·         It’s five o’clock somewhere
but only if you use Solar time. If you use timezones it usually isn’t.

·         Sorry seems to be the hardest word
I find antidisestablishmentarianism harder

·         I should not cry for Argentina
I don’t intend to.

·         Apparently I should be dancing
But probably best not – with my walking difficulties I’m sure I’d fall over

·         Lucille picked a fine time to leave
I’ll just have to feed the four hungry children and tend to the crops all by myself

·         I know about the Ring of Fire
Extra-bite fishcakes will do that to you.

·         I can push a pineapple and shake the tree
though I can’t figure out why I would want to

·         I should stand by my man
which is curious, because I don’t actually have a man to stand next to.

Today is Saturday, so I may learn more tonight......